Health

Mother’s Day 2018, Mr. and Mrs. Samuel and Linda Carson* were notified that their two sons had been arrested for armed robbery. Linda Carson stated that her sons could not have committed any crime because they just arrived home the day before to celebrate Mother’s Day with her.

She called me to pray with her and to ask for my attorney’s number. I made myself available and went to meet with the attorney, the police, and the Carson brothers that day.

Tale of Two Sons
Alex and Andre are both third-year medical students and doing very well in school. Linda stated that her sons had been mistaken for two other young men, misidentified when they went to visit some of their old friends from high school in the old neighborhood.

Two young men had robbed a store, and were identified as two African- Americans wearing white t-shirts and blue jeans. The Carson brothers wore similar clothing, but during the time of the robbery, they were visiting with their pastor and other church members. After leaving the church they stopped to say hello and socialize with old friends and were arrested by police soon after. That is when someone identified them as perpetrators in a yearlong robbery spree.

Police arrested Alex and Andre and allowed them to call their parents. Soon, however, police  acknowledged that a mistake in identity had been made. While the Carson brothers were being held in custody, two other young men committed another robbery on the other side of town.

The “Right” Brothers
As the Carson brothers left the precinct, they recognized the other two young men coming in. They had gone to middle school together. What happened to them over the years? It was clear they had chosen a life of crime while the Carsons had chosen God, a crime-free life, and education.

The brothers told me that they prayed together daily, and they called their parents everyday for family worship. They were thankful that they remained close to God, family and church. They recognized early in life from their parents that there are no easy, fast tracks in this life.  You must pray, study God’s word, be kind to others, remain connected with positive family and friends, and work hard.

Fortunately, for them, all charges were dropped and the family was reunited.

Mother’s Love Rewarded
Linda Carson stated she was praising God all the way home. The family attended Sunday evening service together and she was thankful for an amazing and eventful  Mother’s Day with her family. After church she asked her sons why they had gone to visit their friends in the first place. Their answer was that they had gone to visit, to give them a Bible, and pray with them! Linda smiled, hung her head and wiped a tear from her eyes.

“Continue to use them, Lord” she said, breathing a soft prayer.
Alex and Andre both reached out their hands and said, “Love you, Mom.”

Can We Talk Values?Samuel Carson prayed, never forgetting that this was truly a test of faith and sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ to others. He repeated the words of the Psalmist: “I will bless the Lord at all times. His praise will continually be in my mouth” (Psalm 34:1).

It is important for parents to teach their children morals and values with spiritual principals because, as they say “a family that prays together stays together.” There are at least 10 practical ways to teach your children the right values. I especially want to see our parents instill: respect, kindness, honesty, courage, perseverance, self-discipline, compassion, generosity, and dependability.

Most parents want to instill these kinds of values in their children, too. Doing so will protect them from potentially negative societal influences and lay the foundation for them to become good citizens. We’re not fulfilling our responsibilities as parents if we don’t try to instill solid morals in our children.

Tyrone and Lydia* have been dating for two years. He is a steel worker in a blue collar town and Lydia is a physician. The couple met through mutual friends and their relationship has blossomed. They both are Christians and are very active in their respective churches.  The couple contacted me to assist them with premarital counseling. They want to fine tune any concerns regarding their upcoming engagement.

Tyrone and Lydia both feel that money is a concern and that  it is factor in the relationship. Tyrone makes under six figures per year and Lydia makes well over seven figures per year. The couple has been arguing about who will pay for the new home, and also provisions for Tyrone’s two sons. Lydia thinks that it is not her responsibility to pay for them to have the lifestyle that she is accustomed to having. Tyrone thinks that in marriage the two become one in every aspect, including finances. Tyrone feels that Lydia is looking for a partner and not a husband. Lydia has no children and is very independent. 

Should They Invest in This Relationship?
Lydia admitted she is afraid to trust because of her last relationship and that her last boyfriend was only interested in what she could provide for him. She admitted she is stuck in the past and is holding Tyrone hostage with her insecurities and feelings. Lydia requested counseling to find help with her feelings and her relationship with Tyrone.

Tyrone stated he seeks God’s counsel daily and does not want to have another failed marriage. His first wife was unfaithful and he was scarred deeply by her indiscretion.  With Christian counseling for the past three years he is in a better emotional place in his life. He continues to pray and fast for wisdom. He relies heavily on his faith in God and his total desire is to please God. They have both made a commitment not to be sexually active and to remain celibate until marriage. He stated he would rather stop investing his time and heart in Lydia rather than continue to invest in her if their relationship is hopeless.

First, Lydia  must decided what she wants from herself and from the relationship. Secondly, she must reconcile whether the finances are the real concern, or whether her fears and insecurities from her previous relationship are. Thirdly, I believe the question of whether she can approach the financial situation as a joint effort, not a separate effort, is a real concern. Tyrone and Lydia realize that they cannot move forward if these issues are not resolved.

Financial Concerns Cause Relationship Stress
Many couples spend hours arguing about what they feel matters, but at the end the day, it all points back to the lack of trust, respect and open communication. Family finance is one of the major causes of divorce. Disagreement over finances can tear apart the lining of  of the relationship when one spouse may not be employed, or not contributing enough. Or one spouse may believe “What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is yours,” an unrealistic and selfish way of thinking. The Bible states upon marriage, the two become one, Genesis  2:24.

Finances are the leading cause of stress in a relationship, according to a survey of people in a relationship or partnership released  by SunTrust Bank. Some 35 percent of all respondents experiencing relationship stress said money was the primary cause of friction. (Annoying habits came in second, at 25 percent.) Among respondents with relationship stress aged 44 to 54, 44 percent said money was the primary cause.

“Money really touches everything. It impacts people’s lives,” said Emmet Burns, brand marketing director for SunTrust.

Prenuptial Agreement Covers More Than Money
Lydia feared that if the marriage fails, Tyrone would be legally entitled to portions of her property. “I do not want her money but only her love and respect,” he said to me during their session.
“I may not bring seven figures to the marriage, but I bring something you can’t put a price on: friendship, advice, companionship, spiritual leadership and love,” Tyrone said. “How  ridiculous does it sound for me to hold back on friendship, protection, love, and companionship and when we get married I’ll hold back sex? Do we sign a prenup on those concerns because it may not work?”

“I may not bring seven figures to the marriage but I bring something you can’t put a price on: friendship, advice, companionship, spiritual leadership and love,” Tyrone said.Tyrone told Lydia that she is only looking at the tangible things and that she is not ready for marriage. She said she never looked at the situation through those lenses and she apologized to Tyrone. She told him she values what he brings to the table, acknowledging that it is priceless.

Work it Out
Lydia and Tyrone both stated that they want to marry one another and they love each other. They will continue counseling to help resolve the concerns and Lydia will receive individual counseling for her fears about sharing her finances in her future marriage.
*All names and locations have been changed to protect privacy.

Eighteen year-old Jenna came from a loving environment. She grew up in a Christian home and attended some of the best schools in her city. Her parents always provided all the advantages that life could afford. 
When the time came for Jenna to attend college her parents wanted her to follow them and attend their alma mater where they met.  When her parents drove her to school and attended the  parent orientation, everything fell in place. It was difficult for Jenna’s mother to leave her only child, but they embraced one another and said good bye. 
Soon after classes began Jenna settled in with her schedule. She began to meet new people and enjoyed the routine of campus life. One afternoon she was studying in the library when Richard greeted her and started  a conversation. She liked him instantly. The pair began to spend a lot of time together and soon became very close. 
The Day That Everything ChangedOne afternoon two men brutally assaulted Jenna as she walked to her dorm. They almost beat her to death and she was unrecognizable.  The campus police found her behind a building on campus. She was rushed to the hospital and then  lingered in a coma for almost six months. Richard and her parents would visit her everyday with hopes of her regaining consciousness.  
Late one evening, and after much prayer, Jenna awakened and recognized her parents. It all came back to her–Richard, her close friends, and the devastating attack. She had always been an action-oriented person who set the bar high for herself,  and this awful situation created in her a vulnerable state of mind, understandably. 
Jenna felt helpless and hopeless. Her parents sought Christian counseling because they recognized she needed intervention as soon as possible. She was depressed and very angry that she had been a target of such a terrible  crime. 
What Ray of Hope?I hoped to help Jenna focus on the fact that she was alive, though she had to acknowledge her brokenness. She was mentally and physically broken, exhausted. Jenna recognized that she could have died, and, or could have been raped. She blamed herself for trying to defend herself to prevent the attackers from hurting her more than they did. 
Jenna’s parents continue to care for her as she made every attempt to return to her school routine. She and Richard are still together and he has been very patient and supportive with her during the whole process.  The counseling treatment provided
information to help Jenna understand that she is not alone. 
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Sexual violence on campus is pervasive.
* 11.2% of all students experience rape or sexual assault through physical force, violence, or incapacitation (among all graduate and undergraduate students).
* Among graduate and professional students, 8.8% of females and 2.2% of males experience rape or sexual assault through physical force, violence, or incapacitation.
* Among undergraduate students, 23.1% of females and 5.4% of males experience rape or sexual assault through physical force, violence, or incapacitation.
* 4.2% of students have experienced stalking since entering college.
—https://www.rainn.org/statistics/campus-sexual-violence
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After many months of counseling, and the police apprehending the two men as they tried to attack another woman, Jenna is healing from her own brokenness and was able to bring closure to her past. 
What Closure Looks LikeJenna testified against both men and they were sentenced to ten years in prison. She is now an advocate against campus violence. As a volunteer to support other victims, and speak out against the violence, she is thankful that God spared her life. 
Jenna is also attending church and Bible class that has allowed her to trust God in everything. And, she believes that God has empowered her to speak out to help save others. She is very thankful for her Christian counseling and being able to acknowledge her brokenness to become whole once again.
As she grows stronger, Jenna shares this scripture everywhere she speaks:
Phil. 3:13-14: “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before. I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”

Belinda and John met at a neighborhood party store. John noticed Belinda and was attracted to her, but Belinda was not attracted to him at all. John walked out of the store but waited patiently for Belinda to come out.  When she saw John waiting for her, he approached and offered her his cell phone number. They talked, became friends, dated and later she moved into his home. Three months later Belinda discovered that John was a drug dealer. This frightened her and she wanted no part of his lifestyle. 

Belinda wanted out of the relationship but John  pleaded with her to stay and promised Belinda he would leave this illegal profession alone.  Six months later, John was still selling drugs and Belinda was now expecting their first child. She did not want to separate the family and had no means to provide for herself and their son. Therefore, she remained in the relationship.

This is Not How I Was Raised
Belinda began to feel guilty because she was not raised to live in sin, but to live as man and wife. When speaking to John about her feelings, he expressed that he had not given any thought to marrying, but if that is want she wanted he would marry her. “But,” he said, “I am a man who cannot be faithful. ” Though she was certain at that point that she should have left, she stayed because of her child. She feared she had no resources of her own, so she married John.

Belinda knew that John had extra marital relationships over the years, but never confronted him because he provided for her and their son. John, finally after many years, left the drug life behind and secured a job working  for the post office. One afternoon he left his cell phone at home and Belinda discovered several women that he was having an affair with. When she confronted him, he told her “ You knew the type of man that I was then and I had several women in my life.”

“We are man and wife,” Belinda countered. “Does that mean anything to you?”

“ No,” John replied.

No Options on the Table
Belinda sat in the room alone and cried. At the moment she bowed down on her knees and prayed to the Lord for  help. A few days later Belinda was referred to me for assistance. We met and discussed her options.

Belinda stated her husband refused to seek counseling and would continue to have sex with other women because she no longer satisfies him. John wanted a wife to cater to his every whim and Belinda said she would not do this.  She is now preparing to divorce John, at the age of 45.  She has to start her life over again, still with no resources. The house, car and her real estate business all belong to him. John told Belinda she will leave the way she came into his home, with nothing.

After her first therapy session Belinda willingly returned to church, and is not afraid to start again. “ I never signed up for this type of life and I deserve better”.

During the therapy session I shared several scriptures and suggestions to assist Belinda on her new journey.

Scriptures and Suggestions for Guidance 
“He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself” Proverbs 6:32.
“Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners,” 1 Corinthians 15:33.

1. Pray first and be connected to God.  
2. Don’t be totally dependent on the other person. 
3. Seek counseling and a safe exit plan. 
4. Have yourself checked by a physician for a STD. 
5. Don’t compromise with your life. 
6. Redirect your thoughts and action 180 degrees. 

​When an individual decides to become involved with another person who is openly living a life of lies and corruption, you must be strong enough to separate yourself and dissolve the relationship, immediately. 

Writing for Message has been a joy and pleasure for us this past year. I never thought that I would be sharing this story about my husband Arthur E. Nowlin, who passed away on October 30, 2016. As I reflect over the past 26 years with my husband it was truly a love story beyond measure.

No risk brings no reward. I stepped out on faith with Arthur and he with me, and it was worth every day of our lives together.  He shared how he had handled a great deal of responsibility within his life and had been through so much. I realized that he was a great investment because of his genuine humility and desire to learn more about Christ. He had vision for family and what we could become together if I could only trust him.  He was sincere about our direction to unite our skills and talents to develop family ministry to become change agents and help empower others.

Love At First Sight

Arthur and I met in June, 1990 at an AIDS prevention event in Detroit, Michigan. He was a social worker for one of the local family agencies and I owned and operated my own clinic for counseling and speech communication.

It was time to meet someone and build a life with the Lord. Though I had been married before, it lasted only four months. My first husband was a very nice man, but we did not share the same faith. This time, I prayed to God and asked him to lead me to the right person. That person would sacrifice his life for God, join my church, and inspire others to strive for excellence in their lives. If not, then I would remain single and raise my daughter alone.

When I arrived at the event, I got out of the car and my skirt split up the back. I was so embarrassed but I did not have time to return home to change, so I walked in very discreetly not knowing that Arthur Nowlin had seen the whole thing. He greeted me with some of his friends who served as hosts for the event.

I was friendly, a bit reserved, but I turned to my cousin Karen and said “That’s going to be my husband.”

Love at first sight is never easy to explain. Some people think that it is all a physical attraction, or that it is a myth. What is really amazing was that I never doubted in my faith that he was to be my husband. I continued to follow God’s teachings and His obedience and God favored me with a wonderful friend, husband and partner. I believe in true love and love at first sight with God’s guidance, honesty, and transparency.  

 Dance of My Life

That following week I attended a conference on AIDS prevention and I met a good friend of Arthur’s. I told her that I met him, but I was told he was married. No, she insisted. “He is divorced and has one son.”

“Is he a good guy?” I asked.

“The best,” came her reply.

I still prayed and trusted God to have His way.  When a mutual friend of ours was having a cabaret she invited me. I don’t attend night clubs, I told her. She told me it was a fund raiser for her son’s football team, and I asked her if Arthur Nowlin would be there.

“Yes,” she said.

“Then, I will buy all of your tickets!” I told her. Even though I asked her not to tell him, she did, of course. I was stuck buying the tickets anyway.

When I saw Arthur again, he greeted me warmly.  I observed him mingling with his co workers, but became uncomfortable when people started dancing, and I decided to leave early. Just when I was about to leave he asked me to dance. I told him ” I don’t dance.”

“I’ll lead,” he said smiling. That was really funny to me because I was not good at allowing other people to lead me, especially men. “What are you looking for, Mr. Nowlin?” I asked as I looked up at him.

“To grow with someone,” he said. 

Wrong Answer

What that meant, I did not know, but wondered. We left the conversation at that, and I went back to the table to get my girlfriend Rita, then left. Arthur said good night to his co-workers, too, and followed us to my car. He asked if he could follow me home to be sure that I arrived safely. I was impressed and he opened the door for us and followed us home. When we arrived he kissed my cheek, and we said good night.

That night I called my mother who asked if I enjoyed myself. I told her the evening was fine, and that nothing exciting happened.

“What did he say?” she prodded. I told her that when I asked him what was he looking for he replied, ” to grow with someone.”

“And you felt that was the wrong answer?” mom said laughing.  “He is looking to grow with someone, child!” I thought about what she said and I prayed and left it all in God’s hands once again.

Looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right

When asking God for a life partner I would tell my daughters to put their faith and trust in God and allow Him to give you divine wisdom on your earthly mate. My oldest daughter has said ” I want a husband like you, dad,” several times. Our son has also stated he wants qualities of his mother and
I: someone who has the qualities of strength and family values and morals.  

​In balancing a relationship it is critical to set attainable and realistic goals for yourself and your relationship. External appearance is nice, but in a constructive one-on-one assessment, communication,  and sharing time together helps you distinguish  between infatuation and true love. One must understand how to utilize courage, have the ability to measure growth, and know how to recognize and respect boundaries. Respect boundaries, and you leave a person  no other choice but to respect you. If you allow yourself to compromise on your affections it could cause profound consequences in the future. Reflect and examine your motives for  your true  love. 

Paris and Jamal had been married  for only two years. She was a high school teacher and Jamal was a college professor. They loved  each other very much.

Tell-Tale Texts

Jamal had been receiving text messages on his phone consistently. Paris noticed he would turn his phone over, or just ignore the text. One afternoon, she received a text that her husband was involved with one of his former graduate students and that she needed to go immediately to his office.

Paris was off work on that day so she went right over to Jamal’s office. She opened the door and there he was kissing another woman, and she was pregnant. Jamal was in shock and all Paris could do was stand there and cry. She calmly walked out of his office and waited for him to come home.

She never saw any signs of the unfaithfulness in their marriage. She tried to play it over and over in her head, but she would become more frustrated. Finally, Jamal came home and told her everything. He also stated that the child was his and that the affair had been going on from day one of their marriage. On the day of their marriage, he had sex with her, yet and he claimed he loved them both. Jamal had tried to keep it a secret, but he knew it would eventually come out. He was to afraid of loosing Paris and being away from his girlfriend and his new baby.

“You lost me the moment I walked through that door today” Paris told him.

Too Late to Apologize

Jamal’s pleadings of  “Please  don’t do this to us, and I love you Paris,” made no headway with Paris. He was selfish and only cared about himself.

Paris had been trying to conceive and Jamal kept making excuses why they should not have a child. That evening Jamal packed his bags and moved out. Paris filed for divorce and never had any further contact with Jamal until three years later.

Paris was the keynote speaker at an educational conference, and after she finished greeting people, Jamal stepped up.  She was taken a little off-guard, but not totally surprised that he would possibly attend. After they exchanged greetings Jamal plunged right in with an apology.  His relationship with the other woman broke off shortly after his divorce, and she had a miscarriage.  He lost everything over his own pride and selfishness, he admitted.

For Paris, Jamal’s admissions and apologies now brought closure to their dramatic and painful divorce.  It was still over, however, and Paris made that very clear. She forgave him, but would not reconcile with him.

Choice At the Heart of the Matter

“But, you never gave me an opportunity to choose you,” Jamal countered.
” You chose the day you brought a another woman into our marriage,” Paris wisely observed. Their conversation ended, and Paris walked away never looking back. She continues to flourish and is focusing on her life with Christ and family.

I shared with Paris something my father told me. “If someone you have trusted can’t make  a decision for the betterment of your life, then you need to make it for yourself.”  Paris will continue her counseling with me me, is looking forward to a wonderful future and trusting God for her outcomes.

An unexpected reconnection at my office reignited lost embers.
It was a Tuesday morning and I had a very full schedule. I was meeting with several individuals  coping with a loss of a spouse. I  prepared to take them through all the stages of grief and prepared their treatment plan.

First came Travis, who lost his wife two years prior. He suffered with depression, crying spells and Insomnia. The first session went very well and he stated he would be returning for his next session. As he was leaving he recognized my next client Lisa and extended himself with a gracious hello. She was startled but so pleased to see him.

When Last We Met
They shared with me they knew each other  since college and even dated for three years. The relationship ended when Travis went to study abroad. He stayed in Europe after graduating with his MBA.

Lisa completed medical school and is a physician at one of the hospitals in Detroit. They exchanged numbers and ended their conversation.

Lisa stated during her session how she loved Travis and never allowed herself to love anyone else. She came from a good family and spent a great deal of time with them, but she never dated anyone seriously. Our entire session focused on her feelings for Travis. She also told me she knew he was married and was doing well.

I knew I could not break confidentiality and I continued to listen. She was fully of aware of the HIPPA law and she never asked me why he was meeting with me. I wanted to say something to ease her interest but neither did I want to give false hope about Travis and her reconciling.

Give It Time
Two weeks later I met with Travis and he told me had connected with Lisa and told her about his wife and she was saddened by the news. Travis told her that he is going to counseling and wants to work through his pain and grief of losing his wife. Lisa understood and was very supportive to him.

Many months went by and Travis was still  doing well. Lisa also was maintaining  her session regarding her anxiety  and  learning to trust God. After two years of counseling I’m happy to report that Travis and Lisa are dating and taking their relationship very slow. They are now coming to couple counseling and looking forward to being married in the future. They both stated it was only God who could reconnect them with the same therapist on the same time and day.

Within our society individuals are living with domestic violence and afraid to speak out to help save themselves and others.

• “On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.” (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

Shana suffered domestic violence for more than 10 years at the hands of her husband, Sean. From the onset of their marriage he had been violent towards her, but Shana never told anyone. Sean would verbally and physically abuse her on a regular basis. Because she wanted to save her marriage, Shana thought that if it meant being abused, she would just have to live with it.

The Straw
One afternoon Sean came home early from work and the laundry had not been completed. He picked up a bottle of bleach and poured it on Shana. Some of the bleach got into her eyes and she had to be rushed to the hospital. Sean did not want her to go because he feared, rightly, that the medical staff would see her other bruises. He had caused so much pain in her life, but she had convinced herself that she triggered his anger. She believed that he could change, if she just loved him more.

Staff called in Shana’s parents, and the attending physician told them that Shana had three broken ribs along with damage to her eyes. Her X-rays  revealed other deep scars and broken bones. Her parents had no idea that their daughter was going through this type of abuse from Sean. He always appeared to be kind and very nurturing towards her whenever he was in their presence.

Courage to Press Charges
Sean tried to enter Shana’s room to persuade her not to press charges against him. He knew the outcome would not be in his favor. Doctors, however, would not allow Sean access to Shana and called the police instead to investigate.

Unless Shana pressed charges against Sean there was nothing anyone could do, the officers explained. She decided to file charges against him this time, and he was immediately arrested. Sean pleaded guilty and was sentenced to five years in prison. Though he attempted to contact his wife through his family and friends, not one contact was successful.

Shana broke her silence and told her parents she was so ashamed and did not want them to be worried about her. So many nights she would pray to God for the abuse to stop, she said. She truly understood how people are driven by fear, shame, and guilt to live with domestic violence.

Moving On
Shana is filing for divorce in order to move on with her life. Since being discharged from the hospital, she relocated and is attending church on a weekly basis.

Her insight regarding this violent aspect of her marriage has been sobering. When a person living with domestic violence holds their silence because of fear you are just as guilty as the abuser. You constantly allow it in your life, therefore, you validate the behavior. “I had to let go of Sean’s drama and not allow it to overshadow my life any longer,” she told me during counseling sessions.

With support from counseling, support groups, family, and friends Shana is now a vocal advocate and helps others break their silence with her advocacy. It is important to do something, read, and to extend yourself to others who need help to also break their silence.

Love, Power, and Clarity
Shana’s favorite scripture is 2 Timothy 1:7. “For God has not given me a spirit of fear but of love, power, and a sound mind.”
Shana wants everyone to know that abuse is a form of bullying, and the abuser attacks the person suffering with low self-esteem. Sean took advantage of Shana’s loving and mild spirit as well as her desire for her marriage to succeed. She did not want to disappoint her family and friends.

Shana now attends church, prays daily and studies her bible to gain confidence in herself and trust God more every day. Domestic violence will remain a negative life style within our society if others choose to keep silence and not seek help. In Shana’s situation it almost cost her the use of her eyes, and her life.

Value Life
Be encouraged to break your silence and not live in fear and violence. In domestic violence each case is different, but don’t let it be said that you kept your silence to protect someone who does not value life. The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.
John 10:10

Tara and William have been married for 12 years. They met while attending graduate school in Detroit, Michigan. They both secured excellent employment in Detroit  and decided to remain in the area. Tara was an account executive and William was a certified public accountant. The couple had one son who was eight years-old. 

The couple contacted my office to schedule an appointment to address a martial issue. William and Tara arrived in a timely manner and were very polite. The couple was escorted  to my private office where William began to share their concerns with me.

William stated that he found out that Tara was having an emotional affair with a man she met on a dating site. William asked his wife ” Why were you on a dating site in the first place?”

Crossing the Line
Tara sat there in shock because she had no idea that William knew she was on the site. William shared in the session that a client for whom he was preparing taxes showed him the site.  He told William that he had met a wonderful woman and had been talking to her for five months. They had not be physical but he was anticipating them crossing that line.

William never told his client that the woman in his pictures was his own wife.  Nor did William even let on that anything was wrong. He finished the taxes, left his office and sat in his car crying and trying  to pray.

Tara and William were both Christians and faithful followers of Christ. William would have never suspected that his wife could do this because of their love for God and for one another.

Tip of the Ice Burg
During the session Tara was asked to take down her profile page from the dating site, but she was not just on that site, she revealed she was on four other sites. William lowered his head and cried.

Tara tried to extend herself to him but William stood up to pull himself together and stood there looking at her with so much hurt. He finally returned to his seat, but could barely control his emotions. William stated that he felt Tara always had barriers between them and he felt her lack of commitment within their relationship. However, he focused on caring and loving for her hoping that his concerns would soon pass.

Tara shared that her father was an emotional cheater. When her mother found out, she decided to remain in the marriage though it caused such pain.  She didn’t want to separate her family. Therefore, she tolerated his behavior for 45 years, praying for his life to change. He finally gave his life to Christ, Tara said.  “My mother’s prayers were answered,” she said, and my parents are still married and doing well.”

William asked  Tara “Why didn’t you ever tell me about your father?” Tara explained she was ashamed and it was their past hurt and now this negative behavior had become her present situation. She apologized to William and promised him that she would never do anything to undermine God’s will for their marriage again. William told her he didn’t trust her and needed more time and counseling.

Passed Down
Tara’s family origin and her father’s negative behavior had transferred to her development, and her pattern of thinking. It made a lasting impression on her life, and led her to experiment with his former lifestyle.

I explained to the couple that Tara may be experiencing Attachment  Disorder in her life. Attachment Disorder is defined as the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships. They often show nearly a complete lack of ability to be genuinely affectionate with others. They typically fail to develop a conscience and do not learn to trust.

An emotional affair is sometimes referred to as an affair of the heart. An emotional affair may emerge from a friendship and progress toward greater levels of personal intimacy and attachment. What distinguishes an emotional affair from a friendship is the assumption of emotional roles between the two participants that mimic of those of an actual relationship – with regards to confiding personal information, and turning to the other person during moments of vulnerability or need.

Four main styles of attachment have been identified in adults:

• Secure
• Anxious–preoccupied
• Dismissive–avoidant
• Fearful–avoidant

Tara exhibits all four attachment styles. She feels secure within her relationship with William, but feels overwhelmed and anxious if he becomes to close to her. Unfortunately, she avoided and dismissed her husband’s concerns about her behavior when he confronted her, and therefore would become fearful and avoid him. She seeks other attention from other men from whom she is already detached. As long as she is not committed she feels safe within her own space. As the therapist it is important that the treatment plan address attachment disorder, trust, rebuilding the levels of communication with God and with one another. 

Being the Bigger Person
Before the session concluded, William shared that he understands what his wife was going through. He reminded Tara that when he was a child, his mother was unfaithful to his father. But, William said, he wanted to be a man that would hold his relationship with God and his family in high regards.

He turned to Tara and said “Just a reminder that I personally choose not to entertain or consider any female offers, invitations, or wallow in flirtatious or ego-stroking actions.  I am confident and at peace with who I am, how God has wondrously and uniquely made me. [I am confident in] the joy and happiness that I can bring into your life, physically, emotionally and romantically. My life is what it is, hopefully to only get better. My heart, feelings and love is to you and you alone. I am totally committed in my efforts–and with God on my side–to winning your heart, your love, your trust, your attraction to me and your friendship. This is what I want to do, trusting the outcome to God. Love always finds a way. “He who finds a wife, he finds a good thing” (Proverbs  18:22 Open in Logos Bible Software (if available)).

William told Tara that he loved  her and is willing to trust God and move forward. He looked her in her eyes, kissed her as she was crying and said, “I forgive you, now forgive yourself.”

Tara and William continue their counseling and Tara has not engaged with any outside interests and they both continue to hold themselves accountable to God and one another.